Confusion and coping

The past few weeks, I've felt very misunderstood and ignored by some of the "friends" I acquired through various social media means. It felt like they only wanted to include me or talk to me when *they* needed or wanted something from me. Otherwise, they were content to let me sit on the sidelines most of the time. It used to not be like this. I definitely never planned on it going like this.

One of the positives to come out of this, however, is a resurgent love of sewing and creating. There were many days I looked at my machine and wanted to sit...wanted to only be annoyed by wonky seams instead of misunderstandings and loneliness. Instead of letting myself find solace, I thought I needed to "toughen up", to not be so sensitive and stuff. But...that's who I am. I AM sensitive, I AM nice. I tend to take things literally because I don't want the one time I treat something as a joke be the one time it's really serious. In this "toughening up" phase, I found myself becoming more bitter, more jaded...less me. The funny thing-even this newly bitter self was being shut out by the ones who created it. A no win situation.

So, instead of crying and lashing out at people, I chose to disappear. Only a little over a week, but for someone who is as addictive as I am, a week feels like 6 months. During this week, I sewed, I caught up on lovely geeky television programmes, I enjoyed watching baseball without all the negativity from others. It felt good. Honestly, I missed very few people-because I enjoyed not seeing/feeling so much cynicism. Even when I hopped on tonight, the amount of negativity disguised as sarcasm or snark hit me like a brick to the back.

I feel bad for them. I truly do. Life is absolutely amazing-if you let it be. I know some tend to overexaggerate their drama, some tend to be overreactors, but you can't be that negative all the time unless something is truly hurting you. I don't know...maybe I'm just reading too much into everything again. I've been told I overanalyze stuff that doesn't need to be overanalyzed. I used to think that was a compliment, but thinking back, it was a back-handed slap from that person.

My method of coping is to pull away-to disappear. I try to channel that hurt and pain as best I can into doing something productive, positive, and hopefully beautiful. My goal is to not need that hurt anymore to be my spark :) Life has enough surprises that can bring sadness-no need to seek it out from others! I always believe that someone is looking out for me-God, my tia, some random person-to keep me from hurting too bad so I don't do anything stupid in reaction. Maybe that feeling of being excluded from those "friends" is partly their doing? Always keep me on the outside-just to avoid falling into the same sadness those other people are feeling.

It's almost 4am. Sorry for the ramble and promise to have a pretty, fabricy post next time :)